Project Valentine, Day 9: Twilight


Hold on tight, spider monkey.

OK, I admit it, I created the My Creepy Valentine block of movies specifically for the Twilight movies.  One day in the break room at work, I was eating my lunch and talking with my co-worker Susan, whose daughter is a big Twilight fan.  Susan had read some of my Project Horror blog entries, so I mentioned the upcoming Project Valentine to her, and she suggested I watch the Twilight series.  Really, there was no way I was ever going to watch them otherwise, which made it an especially genius idea.

Man, oh man, oh man.  Twilight.  I really want to give this movie a fair shake, so in spite of all the cultural attachments that it's picked up, I tried to go in with a very open mind.  Of course, the good news about the millions of words that have been written about this series is that by now, pretty much everything has been said that can be said, and I can forgo too much analysis and just give some opinions.

Have you ever looked at the discussion boards on the Internet Movie Database?  If not, don't.  Here is a summary of the two major discussion topics:
  2. So-and-so is a fat ugly bitch and also where can I find naked pictures of her
But then there's also a third kind of thread, and that is the rabid fan thread, of which Robert Pattinson must be one of the current leaders.  I already knew that Edward Cullen was a big crush object, but I seriously had no idea that Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter movies had such a fierce following.  Most of Kristen Stewart's discussion topics tend to fall into #2 from above.

Freaking Twilight.

OK, things I liked - the location shooting was really pretty.  Yay, Pacific Northwest!  Between Up in the Air, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, I've grown a pretty good little crush on Anna Kendrick, so it was a pleasant surprise to see her in the movie.  Yay, cute brunettes!  The Quileute tribe is a real tribe in the Pacific Northwest, and really does have a legend that they are descended from wolves.  Yay, anthropological accuracy!  Um...  Hmm.  Oh!  Peter Facinelli, the actor who played Carlisle Cullen, is pretty good.  Yay, talented Italian-American actors!

Now for the rest.  Y'all, Kristen Stewart is terrible.  There's this thing that she does, and I don't know if it's a conscious acting choice on her part or just something that she does for real, but after nearly every line, she does one of those little "laughs" that's kind of a sharp little exhale.  If it was just once or twice, I'd be nitpicking to notice it, but it's seriously after almost every single line.  Also, I know that any adaptation of a book necessarily leaves some things out, but watching this just felt... incomplete.  I never really got why Edward and Bella instantly fell so intensely for each other, and never really felt any sense of danger when James was tracking her.

I have to ask this, too:  why, in the 2000's, do we still have high school movies coming out where one of the characters is a reporter hustling to get a story for the school paper?  Do schools even have newspapers anymore?  I've been out of high school a while, but even then, our school paper came out like once every six weeks, and the stories tended to be of the "Football Team Completes Season" variety, nothing too exciting.

I'll save more general thoughts until I've seen the whole series.  Tomorrow, New Moon!

RATING - Oh man.  Twilight.  It doesn't matter what I rate you, really.  Let's say two out of five.

LESSON -  Take the vampirism from this movie and all you're left with is Ike and Tina right before Tina refuses to eat the cake.  (That reference will be lost on Twilight's target audience.)  Got daughters?  Lock 'em up.

PS - Enjoy this! It's actually pretty spot-on.


Andrea G. said...

I have no idea why Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson get such accolades from anyone, even hormonal teens and pre teens. To use IMDB phrases -- they both SUCK! Horrible, horrible acting. (I too have a young daughter.) I have read the entire series. It's good escapism and the movies do nothing for it. I was shocked that Stephanie Myers allowed them to continue, but I guess she was rolling around in the tons of money she has made and really didn't care. :) Maybe Courtney will appreciate a grown up Shark Boy as Jacob as I did in New Moon. (Again, I have a young daughter!!) Good on ya for braving this series!

Kim Hamilton said...

I have had several people ask me if we named Cullen after Twilight. Clearly these people don't know me. This invokes in me a certain homicidal feeling never before experienced. For the record he is William Cullen Hamilton II, named for my husband's late father. And I agree, TWILIGHT SUCKS! But DO you know where I can find naked pictures? Ha!

Danny said...

Andrea - I'll admit, I actually really did like R.Patz. in the Harry Potter movies. Maybe that just makes me a different kind of geek, rejecting one fandom for another. My point, though, is that I think he may have some chops, this just isn't the right series for him to show them.

Kim - I am not making this up. A guy who I do business with has a young daughter named Esme. He says that he and his wife field that question about 3 times a day. (And I'll get back to you on the pictures.)

Kim Hamilton said...

Ok. Don't get in trouble and blame it on me :)

Katie said...

Ok here is my take on this movie keeping in mind I do like cheesy movies. Gene and I heard this movie was super popular but had no clue what it was about, didn't even know there were books, etc. If you go into this movie with a completely clean slate it is kinda cool. We had no idea the Cullens were even vampires LOL. So there was an element of surprise. :-) and it was an innocent pure love. No nasty sex scenes. The two follow ups were then disappointments for me. As were the books. Too juvenile.

Post a Comment

Every comment is like a fresh flower, so please write!