Project Valentine, Day 10: New Moon


Previously on Project Valentine, Danny sat down to watch Twilight and blog about it.  Also, a mopey girl named Bella moved to the small town of Forks, met a broody vampire boy named Edward Cullen, fell in love with him, was warned by her friends that he'd never go for her, managed to get him to go for her anyway by means of her awful line delivery, attracted the eye of some evil vampires and was hunted by one of them, got cornered and bitten by said hunter, watched as said hunter was pulled apart and burned by her vampire friends, had the "vampire venom" sucked from her body by Edward before she turned into one of them, and then went to prom with him.  I think that's the high points, yes?  Oh, also he called her a spider monkey.  (I'm sorry, I can't help loving that line for the sole reason that every diehard Twilight fan I know hates it.  [And yes, I know they call themselves "Twihards" or something like that.  Not gonna do it.])

I tried my best, but perhaps I just didn't give the movie a fair enough shot.  Millions of fans can't be wrong, right?  I was determined to go into New Moon with the right attitude.  I got some movie snacks appropriate for the occasion.

I borrowed Blake's green vampire teeth.

I tried to eat the candy while wearing the green vampire teeth.  That was pretty messy and difficult, actually.

We begin New Moon with Bella's dream of herself as an old woman, still with a young super-sparkly Edward.  This sets the theme for the first part of the movie.  Bella's 18th birthday comes, so she's now officially one year older than Edward was when he got vamped like a hundred years ago.  ("That's what I like about vampire girls.  I get older, they stay the same age." - a line from my mashup script of Twilight and Dazed & Confused)  Then there's some unpleasantness over blood at her birthday party when Edward's brother goes bonkers on Bella like that scene in Finding Nemo when Bruce the shark gets a whiff of blood and goes bonkers on Marlin and Dory.  Then the Cullens leave town forever.  The end.

Oh, OK, it's not really.  Bella mopes in a chair by her window for three months.  I am not making that up.  Then she goes to a movie with her cute brunette friend, and maybe it was just the sugar from the Twilight candy hearts starting to kick in, but here's where it got really good, you guys.  Bella is tempted to approach some bad boys on motorcycles, but is stopped short by Obi Ed Cullenobi.  Seriously!  Edward's disembodied head floats in front of her to tell her not to do it, but it isn't enough, so then he sends his whole body.  Bella realizes that the only way she can see E. Culli is to thrillseek, so she starts living on the edge, and also spending lots of time with Jacob, a frequently shirtless Native American.

I'm tired of this now, so here's the rest really quickly.  Evil vamp chick from the first movie is back!  DUN DUN DUN!  Jacob and his tribe are werewolves!  GASP!  Edward thinks that Bella is dead, so he goes to try and get himself killed by the vampire council, but then she's not dead, so he comes home again and the Cullens vote to make her a vampire, and he says he'll do it in five years once he can marry her.  AWWW!

This was a little better than the first one.  The music was good, there's a love triangle to make things a little interesting, and Kristen Stewart seemed a little less stoned.  Also, seeing both Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson shirtless in the same movie is an interesting study in contrasts.  Just look at this picture below.  I'm just saying, the actor from the US has a six-pack and pecs that I'd kill for.  Dude from Britain be all scrawny and pale.  In summary:  USA!  USA!  USA!
RATING - A little better than Twilight.  I'll give this one three spider monkeys out of five.  Still funny.
LESSON - Team Jacob.


Andrea G. said...

ABSOLUTELY TEAM JACOB!! (At least in the movies.)

Misty said...

I think Brit boys are hotter. Of course, this is Misty saying this, so, no surprise there. I'm also too pretentious to read or watch any of the Twilight series. Bwahahahaha!

Danny said...

Misty, I say this with all possible love - knowing you, I would expect nothing less than that you would choose the pale British boy. Especially if he was working some Robert Smith hair.

Anonymous said...

Danny, the photo series above along with the line from your Twilight and Confused script made me lol for like two minutes. Brilliant!

Here's a little factoid you may not have been aware of. The producers were initially very nervous about using Taylor Lautner in Twilight because his character is supposed to be all badass and he was a puny sissy boy. Then he worked out like crazy and got all ripped so they kept him. Say what you want, but that guy worked his ass off to keep that role and I have to give him some props for that. USA! USA! USA!

Will Meekin said...

"That's what I like about vampire girls. I get older, they stay the same age."

Nicely done.


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