You're just going along, and it's been winter for ages, and then yesterday morning you left the house at the same time you always do, and you realized that the sun is already up in the sky,. and it isn't dark. It's behind clouds, but it's there, and it's been up for a while, and you suddenly are aware of a growing joy in a part of you where you maybe haven't felt that in a long time.
little while ago, but I've been contending with a very deep lack of motivation. I never did post that wrap-up for this year's Project Valentine once it ended, did I? (Short version: it was a success, and made Courtney feel special, but I realized pretty early into it that it was going to be hard to write about in a way that would make it entertaining and funny if I also wanted her to know that it was something that I was doing in earnest because I love her.) It's reached farther than not blogging very much, though. I wish I could tell you that the reason I haven't written more is because I've been busy with other things, but, honestly, I've been very busy avoiding other things.
I've felt overwhelmed by things that used to be manageable. Of the fifty pounds I lost last year, I've put about twenty back on. I'm noticing patterns in my thoughts and actions that, put simply, are not me. Even things that I know would bring me joy (working out, finding something to do with the blog or with the kids) just seem like insurmountable tasks. I find myself making excuses not to do them. Little events send me into tailspins that take days to recover from.
After fifteen years in IT, I'm especially interested in examining systems and how they work, and one of the most revealing tests is to see what happens when you remove an element from a system. It's been a revealing few months for me, since my dad's death. Although things within my own home are good, I feel like I'm struggling with other relationships in my family.
Two things happened within the last week that finally jarred me into realizing that I need a hand. I was talking with a friend, a really talented, interesting guy, and he asked me what I'd been doing for the last thirty days. When I looked confused, he said, "You know, for your blog? What are you working on right now?" And I had to admit that I hadn't done much of anything in the last thirty days besides alternating between late nights of video games and nights of going to bed as soon as I got the kids in their beds.
The other was on a Wednesday night, when I stayed up watching TV until three in the morning. I wasn't even interested in what I was watching. I couldn't tell you what it was. And I knew that the next day was going to be miserable, because I still had to get the kids ready in the morning and spend the day at work, but I just couldn't find the will to turn off the TV, stand up, and walk to my bed. That was the night when I decided that something was definitely off.
A part of me is embarrassed even to share all of this, because I don't want to seem like I'm just wallowing. I'm always touched, though, when somebody mentions that they've missed seeing blog posts, so I guess I wanted to offer something by way of explanation. And I've been pretty open with other experiences on here in the past, so I wanted my friends to know a little bit about where I am right now.
I saw my doctor yesterday. I asked her about depression. I admitted to her that I'm a little frightened to go on medication, but that I need something to help me back to where I want to be. The sun is up in the sky, and it's been up for a while, it's just behind clouds.