This one's for you, Ali and Will

SHINY!

Project Valentine, Day 27: A Walk to Remember

The penultimate entry of Project Valentine has arrived.  Penultimate is a good word, with too few opportunities to use it in daily life.  I think I may have made that same observation on the penultimate day of Project Horror, but I don't want to look it up right now.  I need to write this up and post it so I can watch the Oscars on DVR.  See you in hell, musical numbers!  I've got a Fast Forward button!

When I asked my Facebook friends for movie ideas for Project Valentine, I had a whole range of suggestions, but two movies in particular received far more votes than any others.  Tonight's movie is the runner up, A Walk to Remember, starring Shane West and Mandy Moore.

So, a lot of you sure must have liked this movie, huh?  Well, OK.  I... didn't dislike it, exactly.  I'll get to that in a minute.  First, the plot.  Shane West plays Landon Carter, a baaaad boy.  He drives a muscle car!  He has a token black friend!  When he is busted for a prank gone wrong, his principal convinces the authorities not to press charges in exchange for Landon doing community service, including performing in the school play.  Take that, drama geeks who were vying for the lead!  Your passion and commitment don't matter when there's a baaaad boy to be rehabilitated!  Mandy Moore plays Jamie Sullivan, the reverend's daughter.  All of the things that Landon does as his punishment, she does for fun.  She is a good girl.  Have you seen a high school movie before?  OK, then you know that the leads in the play always fall in love.  Always.  (Or at the very least, they have sex, as in the case of Teen Wolf.)  Their relationship faces obstacles along the way - he is embarrassed to let his friends know about her, and her father is very suspicious of him.  As they work through these problems and grow closer, she reveals her secret to him.  SPOILERS FOLLOW.  Jamie has leukemia, and has only a short time to live.  In the time she has left, he helps her to make the dreams on her list come true, including being married in the same chapel her parents were married in.  She helps him heal his relationship with his father and set goals of his own.  And they live happily ever after, for like two or three months.

I see why this movie appeals to people.  It's a romance against the odds, it's got archetypal characters, and an uplifting ending.   Maybe that's what seems strange about this movie to me now that I've watched it as part of Project Valentine.  I've watched 27 movies so far this month, and very, very few of them have unambiguously happy endings.  This one, even with a death, makes its way into happy ending territory.  You know when you give up soda for Lent, and then on Easter you drink a big root beer and it makes you ill because your body has forgotten how to handle it?  My brain has forgotten how to handle a happy ending.  I guess this movie is cinematic comfort food.  You don't expect anything all that original, but it feels good while you're taking it in.  I get it.

Remember in Mike Tyson's Punch Out, how you always knew when to dodge Piston Honda's punches because he telegraphed them with his eyebrows?  This movie was like one big twitching eyebrow.  "Promise not to fall in love with me" = cuz I'm'a die.  "I'm not gonna tell you the first item on my list" = I'm totally gonna tell you the first item on my list later.  "You told me I could spend the time I have the way I want" = there's not much time left.

I am torn.  This is not a movie that I can praise on its objective merits.  And I'm just not that big of a fan of high school romances in general.  I mean, look back at when you were in high school.  I know that the feelings ran very strong, but can you honestly say that you were at your romantic peak?  Thirty-five year-old me has moves that seventeen year-old me never even dreamed of.  But I am also remembering my wife's words that sparked this whole project: "You know, you might end up liking some of them if you give them a chance, instead of being a cynical ass."  And so help me, I did kind of like this one, corny as it may have been.  It helps, too, that Mandy Moore has since done some really fun work like the movie Saved! and on Scrubs.

RATING - Three telescopes out of five

LESSON - This sentiment may be cliched, but I'm choosing to play it straight and just say this: what greater gift do we have in this life than to find somebody to love, and who loves us in return?  When you find that person, love them fully and wholly, because you never know how much time you have.

Project Valentine, Day 26: Beauty and the Beast

I cheated a little bit for today's entry.  Several months ago, for Courtney's birthday, I gave her season tickets for us to go to the series of touring Broadway musicals that would be coming through Lubbock this year.  Upper mezzanine, Saturday matinee - that's how I roll.  It's been a really fun thing to do together!  We ditch the kids, go to the show, and then we usually all eat out for dinner after.  So far, we've seen Fiddler on the Roof, The Aluminum Show, and today's performance of Beauty and the Beast.  (We'll see our last one in April, Legally Blonde.)  Anyway, this wasn't a movie, but I figured it fit the criteria of Project Valentine closely enough for it to count.

I enjoy (most) Disney movies and productions a lot.  That said...  I would like you to think of your favorite movie.  Now make an estimate of how many times you have seen that movie.  Got it?  OK, now I want you to multiply that number by 50, and that is how many times you will watch every single Disney movie in your DVD collection once you have children.  And then a new Pixar movie will come out, and you will watch it that many times, too.  Your enthusiasm  for Disney movies will be dimmed, to say the least.  In fact, you know why I'm just now writing up a show that ended hours ago?  Because the kids wanted to watch Mulan before bed, and Ava went to sleep on my lap.  So anyway, I love Disney shows, but if I offer some criticism, it comes from a place of love.

Remember in my review of Damage, how I said that when you watch a bunch of a certain type of movie, you see trends emerging that you may not have otherwise seen?  Here are some things that I have noticed about Disney princess movies.

1. Disney princesses seldom have mothers, and sometimes have no living parents at all. 
   Snow White: Dead parents, evil stepmother
   Cinderella: Dead parents, evil stepmother
   Aurora: Parents alive, but raised by fairies
   Ariel: Mother MIA, possibly deceased
   Belle: Mother MIA, possibly deceased
   Jasmine: Mother MIA, possibly deceased
   Pocahontas: Mother MIA, possibly deceased (maybe - it's been a long time since I've seen it)
   Rapunzel: Kidnapped as an infant, raised by her kidnapper
2. They chafe at the life presented to them, and buck tradition.
   Snow White: Shacks up with seven blue collar workers
   Cinderella: Makes clothes for wildlife, no matter what you think about it
   Aurora: Just had to touch that motherfucking spinning wheel
   Ariel: Into forbidden love, dangerous adventures, and collecting ephemera. Not punctual
   Belle: Sings a whole song about how provincial her town is, reads! (gasp)
   Jasmine: Hates the thought of marriage
   Pocahontas: Doesn't want to go through with arranged marriage, digs white guys
   Mulan: Cross-dresser, joins a profession she's not allowed into
   Rapunzel: Just wants to go outside, MOM!
3. If it's a movie where the villain dies, it's always done in a way that allows the hero to keep his hands clean.
   Snow White: Evil Queen falls and is crushed by boulder
   Sleeping Beauty: Prince Phillip throws his sword from afar, killing Maleficent without having to get close
   The Little Mermaid: Prince Eric straight up steers a ship into Ursula
   Beauty and the Beast: Gaston falls to his death
   Aladdin: Jafar becomes a genie and is confined to a lamp.
   Mulan: Mushu fires a bundle of rockets at Shan Yu
   Tangled: Gothel ages years and years in a single instant and then falls out a tall window
   Lion King: Not a princess movie, but Scar falls from a cliff and is attacked by hyenas

Mix a handful of these ingredients and you've got a Disney Princess movie.  Oh, and songs.  Acceptable topics for songs include:

• More than I appear to be
• I want much more out of life
• I am your friend/I can help you

---

OK, none of that really matters to this review, but at least now your head is filled with the same thoughts that mine was filled with when I went into this show.  And really, everybody knows this story already, right?  I don't really need to recap this one for you, do I?  Belle is a beautiful but restless girl who lives in rural France with her father, a kooky inventor.  The loutish Gaston wants to marry her, but she has other plans for her life.  Her dad gets lost in the woods and is taken prisoner by a horrible beast, who used to be a selfish prince, but has been cursed, along with his entire household.  Belle exchanges herself in return for her dad's freedom and ends up falling in love with the beast, which transforms him back.  This only serves to confirm my theory, mentioned several times during Project Valentine, that the best way to find true love is to spend time with somebody who you hate at first.

This was actually the third time I've seen a stage production of B&tB.  The touring show came to Lubbock about ten years ago, and the music department at my church staged it about four or five years ago.  Today's production was very good, very enjoyable, but I'm still going to put it at the bottom of the three productions.  The set design was much more abstract than the others.  It was good for evoking a mood, but not really my taste.  Also, the costumes for the beast's estate members were not great.  If I had never seen this before, it really wouldn't be all that clear that they are supposed to be items, except for Lumiere the candlestick.  Babette, the featherduster, really looked nothing like a featherduster, and the woman who turned into a wardrobe really looked nothing like a wardrobe.  And yes, I realize how difficult it is to make a person look like a featherduster or a wardrobe, but the other productions didn't seem to have a problem with it.

That said, it was still well staged, and the leads were all very talented.  Liz Shivener played Belle, and had the perfect voice for it.  The character of Gaston is a lot of fun in the hands of the right actor, and Nathan Hackmann knocked it out.  The stage show has a few additional songs that aren't in the movie that keep it a little more interesting for parents who have worn out their copy of the DVD.  Best of all, it was two and a half hours of sitting next to Courtney with my arm around her.

RATING - Four Beauty and the Beast Season 2 DVD sets out of five

LESSON - Don't judge a book by its cover.  Also, creative gifts (like an entire library for a girl who likes books) go a long way towards winning points.

BONUS -  Enjoy these pictures of Hipster Disney Princesses!

Project Valentine, Day 25: Love Story

Homestretch!  We're in our last block of movies of Project Valentine now.  The final four.  At this point, I'm ready to finish the month just so I can get back on a normal sleep schedule again - I'm exhausted from staying up so late each night.  I couldn't think of a better name, so I have designated this block of movies as Heavyweights; these are movies that were suggested to me by multiple people.  Now, when I solicited suggestions, I got lots of them, and obviously I haven't used them all, although I tried to incorporate several.  But among those suggestions, there were a few that had several supporters, especially the two that I'm going to end the month with.

Today, I watched Love Story, the #9 entry on AFI's 100 Years, 100 Passions list.  Also?  The screen debut of Tommy Lee Jones.  Also?  Nominated for Best Picture of 1970, but defeated by Patton, which if you know me you will know is one of my favorite films of all time.  So instead of wrting about Love Story tonight, I will be listing all of the reasons Patton is awesome.

1. The opening monologue in front of the American flag.
2. Casting Karl Malden as Gen. Omar Bradley
3. "Rommel, you magnificent bastard!  I read your book!"

Oh, fine.  I'll write about Love Story.  (But I'll be thinking about you the whole time, Patton!  You know I love you best!)

Ryan O'Neal plays Oliver Barrett IV, a Harvard student from a very wealthy family.  At the school library, he meets Jenny Cavalleri (Ali McGraw), a confrontational Radcliffe student.  The two hit it off, fall deeply in love, and decide to marry, despite his parents' objections.  Oliver is accepted to Harvard law school, but Jenny must work to support them, because his father has cut them off.  He graduates near the top of his class and is hired by a prestigious NYC firm.  Now that the couple is doing well, they decide to have a baby, but are unable to conceive.  A consultation with their doctor reveals that Jenny has only a short time left to live.  As she undergoes therapy, the medical bills grow larger than Oliver's ability to pay them, and he is forced to swallow his pride and ask his father for money, but won't tell him why.  After Jenny dies in his arms, he leaves the hospital to see his father waiting for him and offering an apology.  He responds with a line that Jenny spoke to him earlier in the movie after a fight: "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

I liked the sum of this movie more than I liked its individual parts.  It's entirely melodramatic, and the character of Jenny is annoying as hell (their first three conversations pretty much consist of nothing except her grilling him with question after sarcastic question).  "Love means never having to say you're sorry" may just be one of the worst pieces of relationship advice of all time.  And yet, taken as a whole, this was an enjoyable story to watch.   Despite not identifying with their characters, I was still rooting for them as a couple, and there are a few scenes early in their relationship that made me laugh in a good way.  I especially liked this exchange from their first conversation:

Jennifer: You look stupid and rich.
Oliver: Well, what if I'm smart and poor?
Jennifer: I'm smart and poor.
Oliver: Well what makes you so smart?
Jennifer: I wouldn't go out for coffee with you that's what.
Oliver: Well what if I wasn't even gonna ask you to go out for coffee with me?
Jennifer: Well that's what makes you stupid.

One thing you don't have to have seen the movie to appreciate, although it helps, is that Roger Ebert coined the term Ali McGraw disease after seeing it.  Ali McGraw disease is a "Movie illness in which the only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches."  Zing!

RATING - Forty years after its release, Love Story doesn't feel that original anymore, but it holds up.  I give it four Pattons out of five.

LESSON - Love means never having to say you're sorry.  Also, Patton is awesome.

Project Valentine, Day 24: Damage

When you watch so many movies of one type in a row, you really strongly notice similarities between them that you may not have otherwise seen.  When I planned to have a four day block of Sexytime, I thought that it would be a nice little break, filled with sexy people having sexy sex.  What I noticed, after four days of movies, is that for the most part, moviemakers only make movies about people having lots of sexy sex if those people are also somehow very damaged goods.  Secretary: cutter.  Last Tango in Paris: borderline abusive recent widower.  9 ½ Weeks: sneering control freak.  And tonight, Damage.  I really should have known - I mean, the word "damage" is right there in the title.

The main character of Damage is Stephen Fleming, a British cabinet minister.  He is married with two children, the oldest of whom is a journalist whose star is on the rise and who has a girlfriend he has recently become serious with.  When Fleming meets the girlfriend, Anna, they begin a passionate affair together.  He becomes deeply obsessed with Anna, while finding out dark secrets from her past and struggling with jealousy.  I don't have to spoil the ending to tell you that this isn't going to end well, right?

I can't make too many funnies about this movie, because it's pretty heavy, but I will say that of all the movies I've watched so far this month it had the most intense and erotic love scenes.  The cast is excellent, too: Jeremy Irons, Miranda Richardson, and Juliette Binoche.  (Two out of three have done voicework in award-winning animated movies, too.  I just think that's neat.)

RATING - Not a happy movie by any stretch, but a very good one.  I give it four apartment keys out of five.

LESSON - Consider how the actions you take affect the people you love.

BONUS - Here is my favorite Yo La Tengo song, also called "Damage."

Project Valentine, Day 23: 9½ Weeks

This is the movie that every guy my age lied about seeing when I was in junior high school.  And now, 20+ years later, I've seen it, too!

9 ½ Weeks is about Elizabeth (Kim Basinger), an art gallery assistant who meets John (Mickey Rourke) while shopping one day.  After they run into each other again, they begin seeing each other, and he begins making her explore her sexual and submissive side.  As the acts he initiates become more and more envelope-pushing, she must decide whether the excitement of their relationship is worth the growing discomfort she feels.

All in all, I did like this movie, although it wasn't perfect.  While Courtney and I watched it, about the only thing that I actually said to her was, "Man, this is one '80s movie."  The sex scenes play like early music videos, right down to the lighting.

Mickey Rourke, in my mind, is now the roided up hulk of The Wrestler, so it was especially strange seeing him young and svelte again.  Although he was definitely good-looking back in the day, the guy he's playing is an absolute creeper.  That was one bit that seemed unlikely to me - I just couldn't believe she'd have stuck around as long as she did.

Of course, this movie's most famous scene is the one where Rourke has Basinger keep her eyes closed while he feeds her all different kinds of foods.  It's really a hot scene, but here's the difference ten years makes...  When I was 25, I would have been all, "Shit yeah, I'm trying that."  Now that I'm 35, I'm all, "I wonder who gets to clean all that up."  Yes, I've been married for nearly 9 years, why do you ask?

RATING - I give this movie 4 Before and After Rourkes out of 5.

LESSON - Mix it up, keep it fun.

Project Valentine, Day 22: Last Tango in Paris

I did not like this movie.

You know how sometimes you watch a movie that's acknowledged as a classic, and you understand the reasoning behind that assessment, but you just can't get on board with it at all?  That's how I felt watching Last Tango in Paris.

Marlon Brando plays Paul, a recent widower who owns a hotel in Paris.  He meets Jeanne when they are both looking at the same apartment, and they have an anonymous sexual encounter.  They continue to meet there and have a passionate affair, but Paul insists that they never tell each other any personal information - not even names.  The longer the affair continues, the farther Paul pushes Jeanne's boundaries until at last he is ready to break their final boundary - he tells her about his past, admits that he loves her and wants to know her name.

That's a very toned-down plot synopsis, and I'm leaving it purposely vague so that I don't spoil what narrative surprises the film does have in case you ever decide to see it.  Why didn't I care for it?  A couple of reasons.  First, for a movie with many, many sex scenes, this is one of the least erotic movies I've ever seen.  I get it - the point of it isn't to be sexy, it's about catharsis, but still...

Also, and I know that among my film geek friends this borders on sacrilege, there's the problem of Marlon Brando.  IMDB tells me that he was in 44 movies, and I'll admit that I've only seen 7 of them, mostly from his later career.  Maybe I need to plumb his earlier work some more so that I get the whole "greatest actor of his generation" hype.  I think The Godfather is one of the greatest movies ever made, and God only knows how Francis Ford Coppola managed to rein Brando in for that one (especially when he completely failed to rein him in for Apocalypse Now), but watching him mumble his way through his improvised dialogue or staring at the cue cards that he had taped around the set takes me right out of the viewing experience.  Don't get me wrong, I love Apocalypse Now and Brando's performance in it, but watching him in it is basically watching an exercise in self-indulgence.  Again, I get that the point of Last Tango is a catharsis for Paul, but the lines Brando improvises cross from cathartic into, I dunno... juvenile.  "That's your happiness and my hap-penis!"  Come on.

I'm glad that I saw this, since it's one of those landmark movies, but I don't think I'll be returning to it again.  Don't even get me started on the all too literal Chekhov's gun.

RATING - Two sticks of butter out of five

LESSON - Mutual respect is necessary for a relationship to last.